just the rain in my eyes
by waterlit
Summary: It takes Kanda's departure for Allen to admit his feelings. [Yullen]


**Title: **just the rain in my eyes

**Pairing**: Yullen.

**Summary**: It takes Kanda's departure for Allen to admit his feelings.

**Disclaimer**: I own neither DGM nor the pieces of literature quoted herein.

**AN**: A little something I wrote to celebrate the end of my penultimate semester in school. The quotes taken from Mad Girl's Love Song (Sylvia Plath) and Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) are some of my favourite lines in literature, and I hope you'll enjoy their inclusion. Also, the part on emptiness is inspired by Wheel of Time, where various characters go on about the void and emptiness.

Thanks for reading this piece of fanfiction.

* * *

><p><em>And he is – Oh, well! He is just himself, and I miss him, and miss him, and miss him. The whole world seems empty and aching. I hate the moonlight because it's beautiful and he isn't here to see it with me. <em>

Jean Webster, Daddy-long-legs

:::

Midnight in April; the rainiest of months; the rain fell hard on the roof, the thunder a raging orchestra in the eye of the cacophonic storm. Outside, the mud turned the dirt roads a dirty, soaping brown, the same shade of brown as the two-day-old coffee stain on the faded rug under the three-legged coffee table.

Midnight in April, the cruellest of months; Allen turned from his friends and gazed out the window, his breath fogging up the glass. The city lights sparkled across the curve of the horizon, bright, sanitised and cold in a sleeping city. Allen felt their loneliness, strung this way across the curtain of night, neon paint blinking out from the hollow heart of the business district.

Midnight in April, and the world was dreary here. Here, in the eye of the storm; here, where winter stretched into spring and darkened the land with biting wind and early moonrise; here, where there was pain and sorrow and a loss that latched with jagged teeth onto Allen's wretched heart.

The rain fell with a vengeance, as it had fallen the day they first met. Kanda had been surly then, even surlier than he was now –_had been,_ _last week_ – and Allen's heart had not thawed with love when he skidded across unforgiving, dirty-black puddles, tripped over a hidden pebble and landed at the feet of Kanda, the drop-dead-gorgeous campus hunk.

_Don't think about it_, Allen told himself. He leaned his head against the cool glass of the window and tried to reach the emptiness within himself, an emptiness beyond the lightning flashes that still lingered in the darkness behind his eyelids, an emptiness and oneness that grew harder to find with the years. The stillness was there, Allen knew, somewhere deep inside himself, hidden beyond the curtains of nightmares and the grey canvas of sleepless nights. He strained his mind, willing the waves of desperation to calm down, to wash away into other seas.

There was to be no respite today, tomorrow, or the day after. There was to be no respite until Kanda came back. Waiting would not be hard, if Allen knew for sure that Kanda would return.

Unfortunately, Allen wasn't sure at all.

:::

_Four years ago_

Lenalee's eyes widened. "Allen, look out!"

The warning came too late. Not quite graceful even at the best of times, Allen skidded, slipped, and slid across the path coated with melted snow, scrapping an elbow and spraining his right ankle in the process. He ended up facing a pair of black leather boots, newly polished.

The owner of the boots took a step back. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, idiot?"

Allen sat up, rubbed his elbow and glared at the tall man. "Sorry."

"Get away from me," the man said.

"Feel free to move away," Allen said. "Have some bloody sympathy. I just fell over, you git."

"That's your own fucking fault. Clumsy idiot."

Allen heaved himself off the snow, wincing as his weight came to bear on his ill-treated right ankle. He tried to glare at the man, but found himself staring at the other's nose, so he settled for poking the other in the shoulder.

"You need some compassion in your heart," he said.

"Don't touch me," the man said, hitting Allen's hand away.

Lenalee chose that moment to approach. "Kanda!" she said. "Don't be mean. This is Allen. Allen, this is Kanda."

Kanda looked away, across the street. "Hell if I care who this beansprout is."

"You're not the only one," Allen said, rubbing his elbow gingerly.

"You should care," Lenalee said, smiling as she pushed Allen's jacket sleeve up to examine the damage to his elbow. "We're all taking three modules together this semester."

Kanda swore and walked away, towards a student, on the other side of the road, who was twirling a soccer ball on a single finger.

"Don't worry about him," Lenalee said. "He's like that."

"He's such a jerk," Allen said. He glared at his elbow.

"Let's get that seen to," Lenalee said, steering Allen away. "We can worry about Kanda another time."

Allen shrugged. "I wouldn't waste any time that worrying about that nutter."

"Oh Allen," Lenalee said, laughing. "You'll get used to his strange behaviour, trust me."

"I should hope not. I don't want to meet him again."

:::

Lenalee's chair creaked, and Allen jolted back to earth.

"Don't worry, Allen," she said. "We'll find him, and we'll save him. You have to trust us."

"She's right," Lavi said. He pushed a chair forward. "Here, sit down. You can't stand forever."

Allen nodded, but didn't move from his spot near the window. Kanda used to like that chair best, that wooden chair with the intricate carvings. Of course, Kanda had never voiced his love for the chair, but he sat on it all the time, and if Kanda followed a regular routine with respect to something, that usually meant that he liked the thing in question.

Lenalee tapped her slim fingers against the mantelpiece. "Allen," she said, "Komui will be back soon. And he will have news. Would you like to eat something before he comes back? You've barely eaten the whole day."

"Komui's taking an awfully long time," Allen said.

"Food?" Lavi asked, picking up a plate and walking towards Allen.

"Not yet – " Allen said, waving the proffered plate away.

Lavi and Lenalee put their heads together, whispering; Allen could not make their words out. What he could make out were the frowns on their faces, the red-rims of Lenalee's eyes and the dark bags under Lavi's.

He glanced out the window again, waiting and hoping for a glimpse of the familiar tall figure. Kanda had, in times past, emerged out of the rain on nights such as this, swearing loudly as he stepped into the hall, shaking out his umbrella, stamping the mud from his boots and squeezing the water from his ponytail.

Now, though, only the mist rode through the paths, blanketing everything, collaborating with the rain to seal the land in grey and loneliness.

No one appeared. No one was to appear.

:::

_3 years and 8 months ago_

Lavi yawned and threw a thick textbook into an open luggage case. "Al, d'you want to room with Kanda next year?"

Allen finished the last of his apple. "Pardon?"

"Want to room with Yu next year?"

"But you're rooming with him," Allen said, confused. "I thought there were only two bedrooms in your apartment."

"I'm moving out. The grandpa is coming to town, and he says he'll rent us a place. So, yeah, I'll be moving to my grandpa's place, and Kanda can't tag along."

Allen shrugged. "I don't know if I can stand Kanda."

"Of course you can. I mean, we're all besties now, aren't we?"

"We'd fight every single day. Maybe you should ask Lenalee."

Lavi finished sorting through his old textbooks. "Nah, her crazy brother won't let her room with guys. Why do you think he lets Miranda stay at Lena's apartment for free? So what say you?"

"I don't know... it's a bit early to decide, isn't it? And shouldn't we check with Kanda too?"

"Nah, Yu won't care as long as you don't eat his soba. Don't try, alright, Al? I tried it once, and let's just say it wasn't pretty."

"I don't like soba," Allen said.

"Of course you don't. So... what's your decision?"

"How much is the rent?"

"Cheap," Lavi said. He fished a piece of paper from the pile on his desk. "Here."

Allen's eyes grew wide. "That's a really good price!"

"I know!"

"I'll take it," Allen said.

"Good," Lavi said. "Now, don't fall in love with Yu, alright?"

"Why would I? I wouldn't fall for the bloody idiot if you tried to pay me to."

"Good, good. I don't know, housemates tend to fall in love?"

Allen laughed. "You've been reading one too many pieces of fanfiction, I believe."

"Maybe," Lavi said, shrugging. He snapped his luggage shut. "But I mean it, Al. Don't fall for Yu. The guy's got some serious issues, as yet unresolved."

"I'm confident I won't," Allen said. "Do you have any food in the fridge?"

Lavi heaved his luggage into a corner. "I think so. Just don't eat the soba."

"I told you, soba's not my thing," Allen said, walking off to the kitchen. "It's tasteless."

:::

"Al, are you in love with him?"

Allen looked up. It was two in the morning, and still the rain fell. Lenalee was no longer in the room; only Lavi remained, sitting on the edge of a hard-backed chair.

"I –"

"It's okay to say yes, y'know."

Allen's eyes drifted to the mantelpiece, where a photo of himself and Kanda stood. "You warned me about it. About him."

"Yes, I did."

"I – I don't know."

"You are, I think," Lavi said. A small, sad smile accompanied his words.

Allen shook his head and glanced out the window again.

"Your behaviour confirms it," Lavi said. He leaned back and looked at the ceiling. "I fancied you'd return the way you said, but I grow old and I forget your name."

Allen turned back. "What did you just say?"

Lavi smiled – it was a pained smile which did not quite reach his eyes. "I should have loved a thunderbird instead; at least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I think I made you up inside my head."

There was no trace of a smile on Lavi's pale face now.

The sad tenor of Lavi's voice made Allen's eyes tingle. "I don't understand," he said.

"I was quoting Plath," Lavi said. "Very apt in this case, don't you think?"

"I –"

"Did you make him up inside your head?" Lavi asked – softly. "Think on it, Al. if you love him, you need to recognise it."

Lavi stood up and dimmed the lights, shutting the door behind him. Allen closed his eyes and leaned his head against the windowpane, and thought of everything that had been.

:::

_2 years ago_

"That girl was hitting on you," Allen said.

Kanda slammed his foot on the accelerator. "So?"

"Nothing, I was just saying."

"Don't talk about such useless things."

Allen huffed. "That was not useless. I was telling you about something you needed to know about."

"I didn't need to know about that."

"A normal person would have wanted to know, especially if they happened to be as dense as you are."

"Not interested."

"Not interested?" Allen repeated.

"Don't you get it, idiot?"

"No."

"Che."

Then it dawned on Allen. "Oh, you don't swing that way? I didn't know that!"

:::

When Komui woke Allen up the next morning, the rain had stopped. It was seven in the morning, and a yellow mist lit up the horizon.

"You have news?" Allen asked, blinking away the sleep.

"I'm afraid not," Komui said. His dark eyes were sad. "I'm sorry, Allen. He didn't leave any trace for us to find. We're working on it, though."

"Thank you for your help," Allen said, clenching his teeth together even as his heart splintered yet again.

:::

_1 year ago_

Cross sent a cloud of smoke into Allen's face. "Is he your boyfriend, brat?"

"My boyfriend?"

Cross jerked his cigar in Kanda's direction. "The pretty boy over there."

"No! He's my housemate!"

"You're blushing," Cross observed.

"I'm not!"

"You are," Cross said, laughing. "You are. Look in the mirror and try to deny it. You're such a pussy. Admit it before someone else catches him. Catch them before they're caught. That's my motto. Oh look, you're looking at him again. Quit doing that if you don't want others to know."

Allen glared at Cross. "I'm not in love with him!"

"I didn't say you were. I was merely thinking that you might be in lust with him. So you're in love with him, eh? Tiedoll would love you."

"I just said I'm not in love with him."

Cross grinned. "Keep telling yourself that. You'll regret it when the pretty boy is gone."

:::

Allen walked into Kanda's room. The scent of Kanda's green tea detergent still lingered on his bedspread and pillowcases, and a withered flower stood in a cracked porcelain vase in a corner. Allen reached out for the pale petals.

Here Kanda had stood three days ago, in the middle of the room, just before Allen left for work. Kanda had mouthed a sullen goodbye when Allen popped his head around the door to announce his departure.

When Allen returned, the apartment was silent, and dark, and Kanda was gone. It seemed that he had taken nothing except for his coat and a few personal items.

Allen thought, at that time, that Kanda had to work over time, or that he had gone to visit Tiedoll. It was only a day later that Allen thought to worry. Kanda was a homebody, after all, and never in their four years of living together had Kanda ever stayed away without first giving notice.

It was on day three, when Kanda had yet to resurface, that Allen called Lenalee and Lavi.

:::

_6 months ago_

November in rainy London was a dreary affair.

Allen sat by the window, curled up in his favourite couch, a cup of warm tea at his side. Wuthering Heights sat in his lap.

"What are you reading?" Kanda asked, walking into the room with his usual glass of green tea, a pre-bedtime routine for him.

"Guess?"

Kanda leaned over. "I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always – take any form – drive me mad!" he read out. "Wuthering Heights. I hate this book."

"Why?"

"Too morbid."

"It's one of literature's finest and most tragic love stories," Allen said. "You can't appreciate art."

"Maybe. It's a fucking bad story, though."

Allen leaned forward. "Have you ever been in love before?"

Kanda's dark eyes bored into Allen's own. "No," he said after a slight pause. "No."

"Maybe you'll be able to appreciate Catherine and Heathcliff's story after you fall in love," Allen said.

"No, that's bullshit. Love is useless, especially theirs."

"So jaded."

"Yes," Kanda agreed, but he stood up and left the room abruptly.

:::

Lavi brought two steaming mugs of tea with him. "I think we need to talk, Al. I have something to tell you."

"Yes?" Allen said, accepting one mug, though he didn't feel quite ready to ingest anything yet.

"About Yu – he had this sad incident in his childhood."

"I didn't know," Allen said.

Lavi nodded. "He didn't want us to tell you, at first. Then later on, Lena and I thought he might already have told you, since you guys had grown so close."

"He didn't."

"I figured. Well, Kanda had this friend when he was younger. I'm still not too sure of the details because the adults never liked to talk about it, but I gathered that Kanda and his friend, Alma, had been mistreated in some way."

"Oh," Allen said, rubbing his eyes.

"You aren't crying, are you?"

"No."

"Good... well, somehow, Kanda escaped, and got into the foster care system, but Alma didn't. I asked Kanda about it before. He was very forceful in refusing to talk about Alma."

Allen nodded.

"Kanda got real drunk once. He blurted out something – something I should have remembered earlier. He said he was going to get even with the person who mistreated them once he had the means to do so. Maybe that's why he's gone."

"Maybe," Allen said.

"Maybe he'll come back when he's done," Lavi said.

"Maybe. He should have said something, though."

"I don't know why he didn't," Lavi agreed. "But Al, let's talk about you now."

"What's there to talk about?"

"Do you love Yu?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do. How do you feel right now?" Lavi asked. "Drink some of that tea, it's delicious, I promise. Made it myself."

Allen allowed himself to taste the tea.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"Tired," Allen said. "Sad. Lonely. Pessimistic."

"Elaborate?"

"This place feels empty without Kanda. London feels empty without him. I walk into the kitchen and I see him standing at the stove, boiling soba. I walk into the living room, and I see him sitting there, drinking tea. I miss him, I want to talk to him, but he isn't here. And I don't know if he'll ever be here again. I wish he were here. I want to tell him how beautiful the day is, and hear him scoff at me. I want to eat everything in the fridge, and have him nag at me. I want him here."

"Poor, poor you," Lavi said, the desperation in Allen's voice making him tear.

"I think you're right," Allen said. He glanced out the window again. "I might love him. But he isn't here to hear me say it. He might never know it. And I might never know how he feels. I want so much for him to be here, right next to me."


End file.
